Recently I've started to visit the Post Secret website because I find it incredibly brave that folks would send it their biggest secrets to be posted on the web -- even if it is anonymous. I can imagine myself sending it my biggest secret and having the world read it knowing somehow that it was about me. That's a scary thought. That is a secret that only a handful of people know about, and I hope it stays that way forever.
Still though, this postcard entitled "Virgin Mary" hit home, because I thought I was the only one. I pray often for the children I see in my dreams and I do think about what it would be like to be blessed so greatly by God's love to carry the next virgin child.
My last period ended on July 20th. It has been almost seven weeks of hoping for some stupid miracle that was impossible. I know I sound ridiculous even as I type this, but on September 13, I had the most miniscule amount of spotting...and I started to cry. I became angry at nature's course and resented Abby even more for not being ready to have kids.
Last night I had two dreams about my kids. It hurts so much to hold them at night and wake up every morning knowing it may never be. I have waited for 8.5 years now... and I wonder if it'll even happen at all anymore.
We have so much to work out first, so much to get through but in the mean time my heart hurts so deeply that I just try my hardest to get through every day. That's all I can do right now is just keep trying.
Unfortunately, we just don't have a lot of male friends in our lives that we feel comfortable enough to go to and ask, "Hey do you mind donating some sperm?" The process of invetro is very expensive and lengthy without any guaranteed results of pregnancy, and fresh is best...! So what are we left with? Yeah, adoption... That is still highly difficult for same-sex couples in Canada. I guess the adoption agencies still have a problem with gay couples and they have a right to refuse service or something.
This is my biggest most painful wish to God everyday. I long for children. I enjoy them so much. I helped my mother raise my little brothers for many years when I was a teenager and I miss all that. Why am I being hurt so deeply by God with this pain? What have I done?
I can't write anymore about this. I'm crying too hard to see straight as it is. It is so hard to be patient for God's timing in all this, but I will just keep continuing to try. It's all I know how to do.
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2 comments:
Byrd,
I can understand some of what you're going through. We've discussed having children, but we have no idea how we would ever facilitate such a thing or whether it would be frowned upon by most of the people that we know.
I don't think that most people realize how it feels to be unable to "live on" through your children. I worry about things like who's going to take care of me when I'm too old to do things for myself. I also look around at people my age and younger who have kids and I feel so alienated. Then I worry about whether or not I'd make a good father and whether I want to be responsible for creating and rearing a new little person in this terrible world. There are so many things to worry about, but I'm sure the love that you get from your child makes it all worthwhile.
Keep your head up, because I know that things can work out for you. It makes my heart break when you say you are crying too hard to type. :(
Brian, as for the topic of kids... well I keep a pair of toddler jeans on my dresser and hold them real close whenever I need a good cry. After I'm done I just place them back there for the next time I might need them and say a prayer to God for strength in between those moments.
I find it really difficult to be friends with people who have young children, but at the same time, part of me knows I'm not ready yet. I've always known I wanted children.
...If it's meant to be, it WILL happen. It's so hard to be angry at God for making me wait so long.
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