Pride was pretty great this year. It was wonderful to see all the vibrant colors and happy smiling faces of so many proud gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people along with their family and friends. I didn't really feel apart of things, but I didn't feel quite alone either.
We saw a few folks in the parade we knew and yelled and cheered extra loudly when they passed by. Abby even hopped on the public bus when it went by and said hello to a fellow co-worker. I think she felt proud to be able to do that for the first time and she even told me that she hopes to be driving the bus in the parade next year!
It was great to see three local affirming churches walking in the parade. Every one of those churches I have visited at one time or another. I waved my little rainbow flag extra hard when they went by and somehow felt a part of their congregation for just a minute. Then, after they had walked by, I felt a little more alone again as I remembered that I don't have one single practicing Christian friend in my life. Hopefully that will change this year. That is my prayer to God.
Thankfully, things have improved for Abby and me. I hit a little bump in the road, and broke her trust by breaking into her facebook page under her name, but I told her about it right away.
Yes...I truly do have issues with trust and jealousy but I'm really trying hard to combat those feelings and give her the space and trust she needs and deserves.
Since then, I have been able to feel much better. I am actively trying to put my fears and doubts aside and focus on what is factual and not what I am imagining that's going on. That alone has helped tremendously.
Now all I need to do is figure out how to get over my fears about getting out there and finding some other folks to hang out with. I'm so sick of being at home, cleaning the house or watching YouTube -- even if I love it. I want what others have. I want to feel close to other people beside Abby. I want to feel apart of society again.
I truly believe that's a major part of why I feel so anxious and afraid of what Abby might be doing with other people. Intellectually I know she would never cheat on me or be inappropriate with anyone but when you are alone at home and your wife is out with friends for many, many hours at a party, or something, you mind begins to doubt what is true and plant seeds of negativity and fear where there wasn't any before.
I am so scared to get out there and really try to make friends again. It's not that I am stupid or unfriendly. I can form close bonds with people and have friendships. it's just been such a long time since I've been successful at it that I have lost the confidence and know-how do it again.
Of course, Abby has been hurt like this in the past as well. She began to form a close friendship with a woman from her ball team a few years ago that just fell apart in front her face one day when the woman refused to go to lunch with her for fear of being seen by other people with a lesbian. I guess in her mind, being with a lesbian at lunch would mean she was one or that other people would know she was a lesbian. Abby was crushed. Devasted by the loss of this friendship and it hurt so badly to see her in such pain over that.
Even I recently thought I was forming a friendship with a lesbian who was from our city, but at the time of my correspondence with her she was out of country. Occassionally we would email back and forth or chat on MSN but then all of a sudden she just stopped talking to me right before she was due back in the city. I don't know what I did or said to upset her. But it hurt to lose what was becoming a possible friendship with another Christian lesbian who was going through the same struggles I was.
So how do I pick up the pieces and try again? How do I forget that pain and hurt and thrust myself out there again and see what may await me? Hopefully God will help guide me and Abby will continue to support me in this new venture I'm trying to make. I can't stop trying... I need more to have more supportive people than just Abby and my best friend L. Please God...help me find what I am looking for. Helpe me be bold and brave as I leave the sanctuary and comfort of my home to try again...!
2 comments:
It's sometimes hard to make friends when you're gay. Many people are still a little uncomfortable about it and then there's the issue of whether to choose a friend of the same-sex (which might cause problems of jealousy) or one of the opposite sex. Most of my friends are female and I prefer it that way. I also don't have any male gay friends (that I know of). I sometimes think it might be a protectionist thing, because I don't want to open my relationship up to any potential problems.
I, too, have had problems with jealousy and this is the first relationship that I've been in where that doesn't play a detrimental role. I've been on both sides of the issue - being jealous and living with a jealous partner. Neither one is enjoyable.
P.S. - Can I add your site to my blogroll? I'm really enjoying your writing. :)
Brian, I'm so glad to have found your blog! It's kinda neat knowing someone out there in the blogging world is someone I've actually met in person -- and will probably see again when we get back to Ky.
I do find it almost impossible to make friends these days. I think I just have a lot of trust issues -- which is something I'll blog about more in time.
I do have issues of jealousy though, and that's difficult to deal with, but I love Abby very much and I'm willing to keep moving forward and figure it all out. I think that's what makes the difference -- that's why I'll actually be able to make a positive change, because I want to.
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