"I'm the skeleton in your girlfriend's closet"

Pride was pretty great this year. It was wonderful to see all the vibrant colors and happy smiling faces of so many proud gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people along with their family and friends. I didn't really feel apart of things, but I didn't feel quite alone either.

We saw a few folks in the parade we knew and yelled and cheered extra loudly when they passed by. Abby even hopped on the public bus when it went by and said hello to a fellow co-worker. I think she felt proud to be able to do that for the first time and she even told me that she hopes to be driving the bus in the parade next year!

It was great to see three local affirming churches walking in the parade. Every one of those churches I have visited at one time or another. I waved my little rainbow flag extra hard when they went by and somehow felt a part of their congregation for just a minute. Then, after they had walked by, I felt a little more alone again as I remembered that I don't have one single practicing Christian friend in my life. Hopefully that will change this year. That is my prayer to God.

Thankfully, things have improved for Abby and me. I hit a little bump in the road, and broke her trust by breaking into her facebook page under her name, but I told her about it right away.

Yes...I truly do have issues with trust and jealousy but I'm really trying hard to combat those feelings and give her the space and trust she needs and deserves.

Since then, I have been able to feel much better. I am actively trying to put my fears and doubts aside and focus on what is factual and not what I am imagining that's going on. That alone has helped tremendously.

Now all I need to do is figure out how to get over my fears about getting out there and finding some other folks to hang out with. I'm so sick of being at home, cleaning the house or watching YouTube -- even if I love it. I want what others have. I want to feel close to other people beside Abby. I want to feel apart of society again.

I truly believe that's a major part of why I feel so anxious and afraid of what Abby might be doing with other people. Intellectually I know she would never cheat on me or be inappropriate with anyone but when you are alone at home and your wife is out with friends for many, many hours at a party, or something, you mind begins to doubt what is true and plant seeds of negativity and fear where there wasn't any before.

I am so scared to get out there and really try to make friends again. It's not that I am stupid or unfriendly. I can form close bonds with people and have friendships. it's just been such a long time since I've been successful at it that I have lost the confidence and know-how do it again.

Of course, Abby has been hurt like this in the past as well. She began to form a close friendship with a woman from her ball team a few years ago that just fell apart in front her face one day when the woman refused to go to lunch with her for fear of being seen by other people with a lesbian. I guess in her mind, being with a lesbian at lunch would mean she was one or that other people would know she was a lesbian. Abby was crushed. Devasted by the loss of this friendship and it hurt so badly to see her in such pain over that.

Even I recently thought I was forming a friendship with a lesbian who was from our city, but at the time of my correspondence with her she was out of country. Occassionally we would email back and forth or chat on MSN but then all of a sudden she just stopped talking to me right before she was due back in the city. I don't know what I did or said to upset her. But it hurt to lose what was becoming a possible friendship with another Christian lesbian who was going through the same struggles I was.

So how do I pick up the pieces and try again? How do I forget that pain and hurt and thrust myself out there again and see what may await me? Hopefully God will help guide me and Abby will continue to support me in this new venture I'm trying to make. I can't stop trying... I need more to have more supportive people than just Abby and my best friend L. Please God...help me find what I am looking for. Helpe me be bold and brave as I leave the sanctuary and comfort of my home to try again...!

Hell in a hand basket

I think my world just imploded yesterday. I don't think I have ever felt that many emotions at once. Abby and I almost broke up. It was my worst nightmare and all I could think about was how much I loved her still. It hurt more than you can ever imagine.

Finally though, she did say she wanted to give us another chance to try and work things out. I feel both relieved and angry about that. I want more than a chance. I want a promise! I've been wanting a promise of commitment from her for the past four or five months! Still though, I wait and why? Why do I hope and wait? Because I love her so.

Today was her first day at her new job since she graduated yesterday from their training program. We are on the brink of a new phase in our marriage. One of us actually has a career now. Something to rely on for...forever if she wants. So I truly hope we can get past this unimaginably difficult hurdle and move on.

A lot of my problem has to do with my jealousy issues. I have issues about her friends. I like some of her friends a lot, but I hate when she hangs out with them for hours and hours at a time. It drives me nuts. I guess I'm just starting to realize that I need to get out there more myself. I need to find friendships again.

I had a few close friends in junior high and high school but most of them faded away once school was done or when they found out I was homosexual. I have never been able to maintain close friendships for long, except with my best friend, L. She and I have known each other for over 25 years. I love her like a sister.

But... it is time. It's time I stop focusing on the negative doubts within my marriage concerning the friendships Abby has with her own friends from work, badminton and ball, and instead focus on what changes I need to make in my own personal life.

I'm scared. Terrified in fact. I have been rejected by potential friends recently and that has put a nasty sting in my conscious. I don't want to be hurt like that again. I know that if I join the Christian faith group I'm hoping to be a part of this fall, I will have to delay disclosing that I am married. Being bisexual amongst Christians can be difficult. I am judged a lot for who I am and who I married. I am un-Christian and un-acceptable to God just as I am. That is hard to constantly hear. It's hard to keep the faith.

As for my marriage. Okay...we'll give it one more shot. We'll try and reconcile our differences and learn to compromise but I also pray for strength from God if we don't make it. I hated those suicidal thoughts that ran through my head when Abby told me it was over last night. I hated the devil for feeling so gleeful that I would be joining him soon.

Feeling a little trepidation...

I'm not even sure how I feel about posting on here. Where do I start? At the beginning or where I am now, in the middle of the ocean? I guess I'll start at the beginning and give a little background...of course this is a assuming that someone will stumble upon my blog one day to peruse...how silly of me.

I did not grow up with Christianity in my home as many of my fellow GLBT bloggers out there did. My mom did grow up Anglican and that rubbed off on us in really simple ways, like we weren't allowed to say "Oh my God" or "darn it." She was very strict about that and for the longest time I thought that was so foolish. Now I know better and try to curb my own cursing because of my faith. I don't always succeed though, especially when I'm really ticked off. But it's a work in progress.

My mom's been married three times and I think this is where the uncertainity around men has taken place. I've never felt comfortable around men, as an adult. My biological father, Chris K. is not someone who gives me warm fuzzies. I have always called him by his full name. Never just Chris. I've talked to him a little bit over the years, but honestly I could do without him in my life and it wouldn't hurt me none.

Now presently my mother has been "married" (common-law) to a man that has four children. They've been together 12 years and still I don't get a long with him very well. When I call it's awkward and I feel like I'm that 16 year old kid again.

But my relationship with my mother is not much better. She likes to stick her nose into my business and gives her opinion more often than I have asked for it. I try not to talk to her about serious issues in my personal life anymore. Yes, I'll discuss school and work with her, but nothing about my marriage to Abby. That is off the table, she knows too much already.

I really got a good glimpse of my mother's wants recently when I told her that I thought I was bisexual and not gay. She then commented that she always thought I still liked guys. I was just pretending I didn't. Nice. Thanks for the support mom. Also, when Abby and I were going through a rough patch recently she really wanted me to leave her. I think part of my mom's dreams for me is to marry a man and have kids. Unfortunately that's something I've thought about, too.

So since then I don't discuss my marriage with her. I just find it too difficult to have her opinion and voice in my head all day long. The tension I feel, is immense and really doesn't help my relationship. Instead we talk to our counsellor and keep mom out of it.

I'm sure she feels the sting of that because she does ask, "How are things between you and Abby?" My reply is always, "We're doing just fine. She's been doing _____ lately and I'm going to going back to school in the fall." I divert the topic and pretend I don't really understand what she means when she says that. Mom doesn't bring it up again until the next time we talk.

I guess this post turned into more than just a little information about the beginning... Well, I guess that's okay. I'll figure it all out eventually.