"Every time my period is late, I convince myself that I'm the next Virgin Mary"

Recently I've started to visit the Post Secret website because I find it incredibly brave that folks would send it their biggest secrets to be posted on the web -- even if it is anonymous. I can imagine myself sending it my biggest secret and having the world read it knowing somehow that it was about me. That's a scary thought. That is a secret that only a handful of people know about, and I hope it stays that way forever.

Still though, this postcard entitled "Virgin Mary" hit home, because I thought I was the only one. I pray often for the children I see in my dreams and I do think about what it would be like to be blessed so greatly by God's love to carry the next virgin child.

My last period ended on July 20th. It has been almost seven weeks of hoping for some stupid miracle that was impossible. I know I sound ridiculous even as I type this, but on September 13, I had the most miniscule amount of spotting...and I started to cry. I became angry at nature's course and resented Abby even more for not being ready to have kids.

Last night I had two dreams about my kids. It hurts so much to hold them at night and wake up every morning knowing it may never be. I have waited for 8.5 years now... and I wonder if it'll even happen at all anymore.

We have so much to work out first, so much to get through but in the mean time my heart hurts so deeply that I just try my hardest to get through every day. That's all I can do right now is just keep trying.

Unfortunately, we just don't have a lot of male friends in our lives that we feel comfortable enough to go to and ask, "Hey do you mind donating some sperm?" The process of invetro is very expensive and lengthy without any guaranteed results of pregnancy, and fresh is best...! So what are we left with? Yeah, adoption... That is still highly difficult for same-sex couples in Canada. I guess the adoption agencies still have a problem with gay couples and they have a right to refuse service or something.

This is my biggest most painful wish to God everyday. I long for children. I enjoy them so much. I helped my mother raise my little brothers for many years when I was a teenager and I miss all that. Why am I being hurt so deeply by God with this pain? What have I done?

I can't write anymore about this. I'm crying too hard to see straight as it is. It is so hard to be patient for God's timing in all this, but I will just keep continuing to try. It's all I know how to do.