When you feel dead but you're still alive

Abby left me. I have tried to kill myelf twice since she has told me it's over.

I don't know how to feel now. Especially with 2008 right around the corner. It's hard to breathe.

And I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I begged him to kill me and he didn't.

Some moments I miss her like crazy and other times I just miss the friendship we had. I don't know if we'll be able to stay friends. I don't know if she'll want to. I think she's scared of me. Scared of what I might do.

I'm scared of me sometimes, too.

I'm trying hard not to yell and get angry at her when we have talked on MSN but it's so hard when you're still in love with the person who's left. I wish I didn't love her that way anymore. It'd be so much easier then. I know she doesn't love me anymore and that hurts so badly.

Probably no one will ever reads this, so I don't even know why I am still posting.