Wake up in the morning & it's a quarter to four...

I haven't been able to sleep at all tonight. I tried but I just ugly cried instead. I wish I could sleep but lately I just seem to be sleeping in the wee hours of the morning the best. Nights are the worst and now with the new year practically here I have a feeling it'll just get harder to sleep again for awhile.

I was doing well for a little bit. The weight on my chest was easing and I was able to smile and laugh occassionally, but now the weight is back. The fear has returned. I don't think it's just the fear and "death" of losing Abby that's so weighty but it's also the death of all my future hopes and dreams that have been dashed in that one moment as well.

She will be able to go one and find love again. I think that's obvious from how much easier this is for her than me. I, on the other hand, won't be finding love again. I know it. I want to. I wish I could have the strength to, but... I just know that's not going to be in the cards for me. That realization more than anything else pains me to no end.

Maybe my mind will change in time with that idea, but I seriously doubt it. Everyone has told me to just give it time. I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I can give it time. And really do I want to be that vulnerable with another human being again?

I loved her so completely... She was my goddess and I know for me that was it. I would've stayed married to her forever. I wanted to work things out, but she just didn't anymore. Y'know how much that hurts me? To know someone wants to walk away from your marriage? I feel so...raped. Honestly I know that's a strong word, I do, but it's exactly how I feel. I feel raped.

I've had to re-examine everything again. All my thoughts for the future and everything I thought was true and solid seems to just turned to vapor before my eyes. I feel like it was all an illusion for nine years and she was just playing me. I wonder sometimes if she ever loved me at all. Those are terrible thoughts, because I know, I am certain that she once did. I just wonder how far back I'd have to really look to find out when she last really did love me.

Yes, she betrayed me by not honoring our vows, but I betrayed her. I was stupid and completely in the wrong, too. I couldn't trust her, no matter how damn hard I tried and I wanted to so badly. I wanted to just trust her and be okay with everything concerning her own individuality and friendships. Rhat was my biggest fault. My marital flaw.

Abby told me that it wasn't because of me that she left, but because of us. I don't know if I believe that or not, but even if that's true I still don't understand why she felt she had to leave instead of working things out.

The pain is so great, and still the thoughts of suicide run through my head almost every hour.

Just a few nights ago, I thought that , that night might be my last. The only thing that got me through was a tremendously genuine hug from my younger teen brother, Gus. I don't think he realizes what those hugs have meant and I don't want him too. He's still too young to fully comprehend this all and I'm actually glad for his innosence.

So, as I look forward I can only see the blank sand where I path should be. There used to be a solid path beneath my feet but eventually things began to give way as my relationship with Abby crumbled and the walkway became broken cobblestones. But at least it was still there. Now, it is no longer. I look far ahead, but only see endless sand. I can not go back for she who once loved no longer holds out her hand for me to grasp from behind. There will no longer be a solid path with her. These steps now, I must find on my own and I do not have solid footing alone. I can only hope that a new path will soon appear ahead somewhere. It may look different then what I have been used to and it might not be so straight, but hopefully it will just appear. I don't care how crooked it may be. Tentatively, I step forward and begin to take these unbalanced baby steps alone. I am like a newborn calf, who only vaguely remembers the warmth and comfort of being held once. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes, stepping forward with my right foot, I extend my toes as far I can reach. What will my toes touch this time, I wonder. What awaits before me?