Curiously Unusual

I almost didn't go to the Unity Church on Sunday. I had this pimple on my left cheek that was a little puffy and I wasn't feeling very attractive because of it. All I wanted to do was hide myself until my face was back to normal again. But with Abby's sleepy-still-in-bed encouragement to still go do this for myself, I allowed myself to overcome my shyness and just experience something new for a change.

So when I first walked in I had not one, not two, but three women greet me (or should I say trample me?) and stick a name tag to my chest. At first they thought my name was, "Bert" which I actually get a lot until I say it in French or spell it for them -- which I did. After I was escorted into the service room I realized how small the congregation was. I'd say there was about 35 chairs in there at most, and I just thought, "Oh boy, what did I get myself into?"

Although it shouldn't be that greatly important to note, I was happy to find out the chairs were especially plush and comfortable to sit in. Services can be long, and it's important for me, not to have sit on a hard wooden bench for an hour and half. I always hated that about church.

People smiled and nodded at me as they began to file into the service room and as we all sat there waiting for the things to start a husband and wife musical team were playing instruments and singing at the front of the room. It was nice to listen to their choices in music without being overpowered by the melodies.

An usher or greeter walked over to an older gentleman who had sat near the front, and asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee brought to him. I thought that was the kindest thing I had seen in awhile. After the woman left to fetch him his cup, the gentleman turned around and smiled at me, I just couldn't help but smile back.

After the service got started with a few songs and announcements, the minister came to the front for the sermon. She was a beautifully elegant black woman who had a bright engaging smile. She held her coffee mug in hand as she walked to the front and continued to carry it through most of her sermon. I found this to be a sign that she was relaxed and friendly with her congregation, instead of just filling the role of preacher.

Sunday's topic was on "Responsibility & Dependebility." To be responsible for fulfilling all of our duties as a human being in this world, and being dependable to others when someone has asked us to take on a task or chore that we have agreed to undertake. To do what we say we're going to do, when we say we're going to do it. She gave us several great analogies and examples of times when it is important to be responsible or dependable. Her jokes were humorous and enlightening and she continued to ask for feedback from her audience. I liked her a lot, and I am said to say, I will miss her already. Unfortunately, from what I read in the bulletin, she is going to be leaving the church soon.

But after the sermon, she lead us into a time for meditation. The musical duo returned to the front and accompanied the reverend's words with some soft easy flowing music for us. I found it difficult to get relaxed enough to sit still. Perhaps it's because I'm so stressed lately by some of the things going on in my own life and marriage, but I was really trying hard to quiet my mind. For one split second it worked, but then it was gone just as quickly as it had come. I knew right then that I had to come back to this church just to try the meditation portion again, if for no other reason.

When we all came to to the present, and opened our eyes in the dimly lit room, baskets were passed around for the tithing. I always feel guilty about how little I can tithe. But I put my money in the basket quickly and waited for the prayer for our contributions to prosper. We all rubbed our palms together quickly and held them out towards the tithe baskets, projecting positive energy for the money we had given.

We did this again for the prayer box that was passed around, and then we sang a closing song. Lastly, we all stood in circle, holding hands and said a final prayer closing with our hands in prayer close to our "centre" or hearts with a final namaste.

Afterwards, I nervously gathered my belongings together and looked at my watch. It was just five minutes before noon and I had scheduled my pick-up ride for that time. (I use a transportation service for the disabled and elderly on Sundays.) One of the congregation members came up to me after service and asked if I wanted to join everyone for coffee. Unfortunately because of my ride, I was unable to do so, but said that I would be back next week and hoped to join them at that time. She seemed pleased by that.

So yes, I will try another service with the Unity church. I'm not sure if this is the place for me, or not, but I'm willing to be open-minded enough to step out of my comfort zone and experience something new. I am still curious about it all and wonder what other differences this church may have concerning their services and interactions compared to most churches I have been to.

One great thing, that's important to note, they are open-minded about the GLBT community. Since visiting the Pentecostal church months ago, where I first heard a negative sermon on homosexuality, I knew I could not be a part of a church that did not welcome all of me. I loved that Pentecostal church! I know if I was straight I would've worshipped there happily, but I believe that God has created me just as I am, with my eyes wide open to all discrimination as a GLBT Christian.

I will continue to let you all -- the few who read this -- know how my church experience continues to go. Keep me in your prayers for strength and courage to go back, would ya? I think I'm gonna need it!

http://www.unitycanada.org/

Been busy...but decided to update a little

Life sure has been busy lately. I don't think I've really had time to think much lately about anything let alone sit down and blog about it. But as a result a lot of really great things I could've blogged about will forever go unblogged. Oh well...I guess that happens occassionally, right?

So, I did it. I went in for my four hour psychology evaluation on Thursday. Yep... I'm officially going to find out if I have some of the things I've always thought I had, like depression and social anxiety issues. I was so drained by the end of the morning with all the doctors. They even wanted to speak to Abby privately for a half hour, and I can only imagine what she said to the social worker. I won't find out what they're reccomendations are until November, but in the meantime, I have started on a low dose of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. Just by knowledge alone, I think I know what they'll be saying at my next meeting with them.

On a lighter note, we just had our Thanksgiving weekend recently and that seemed to go pretty well. I was a little more quiet than usual but I think that was only because my mum invited neighbors over to our family dinner, and I did not expect that. I wasn't aware strangers were coming to the meal.

It was weird seeing my older brother, Sean and his girls. I barely spoke to him. He doesn't really speak to me either, though. I rarely get calls from him on my birthday or Christmas. I have tried to reach out to him, and visited him and the girls in the little town where they live, but nothing really comes from those visits or that interaction, so now I've just kinda stopped care about it. I know that sounds bad of me, but if he doesn't want a relationship with me, I can't really force it on him.

As for church...well I'm going to try a new-to-me unity church and see what that's like. Apparently they are a little more laid back about beliefs and homosexuality. Maybe it'll be the right match for me. If not, I think I'll just start attending the unitarian church in town. I just need to get out and socialize somewhere. I feel so isolated these days. Especially now that Abby is going out with her friends more and more lately. I can only take the quietness of our house for so long before I go insane.

I feel so stupid saying that...I'm just a really quiet person in general. Honestly I think I've just forgotten what it's like to socialize with people. How do you forget something like that? I don't enjoy social situations at all, but part of me is beginning to crave that interaction and I know it's good for me to hang out with other folks and experience something new. But boy...I'm very nervous.

"Every time my period is late, I convince myself that I'm the next Virgin Mary"

Recently I've started to visit the Post Secret website because I find it incredibly brave that folks would send it their biggest secrets to be posted on the web -- even if it is anonymous. I can imagine myself sending it my biggest secret and having the world read it knowing somehow that it was about me. That's a scary thought. That is a secret that only a handful of people know about, and I hope it stays that way forever.

Still though, this postcard entitled "Virgin Mary" hit home, because I thought I was the only one. I pray often for the children I see in my dreams and I do think about what it would be like to be blessed so greatly by God's love to carry the next virgin child.

My last period ended on July 20th. It has been almost seven weeks of hoping for some stupid miracle that was impossible. I know I sound ridiculous even as I type this, but on September 13, I had the most miniscule amount of spotting...and I started to cry. I became angry at nature's course and resented Abby even more for not being ready to have kids.

Last night I had two dreams about my kids. It hurts so much to hold them at night and wake up every morning knowing it may never be. I have waited for 8.5 years now... and I wonder if it'll even happen at all anymore.

We have so much to work out first, so much to get through but in the mean time my heart hurts so deeply that I just try my hardest to get through every day. That's all I can do right now is just keep trying.

Unfortunately, we just don't have a lot of male friends in our lives that we feel comfortable enough to go to and ask, "Hey do you mind donating some sperm?" The process of invetro is very expensive and lengthy without any guaranteed results of pregnancy, and fresh is best...! So what are we left with? Yeah, adoption... That is still highly difficult for same-sex couples in Canada. I guess the adoption agencies still have a problem with gay couples and they have a right to refuse service or something.

This is my biggest most painful wish to God everyday. I long for children. I enjoy them so much. I helped my mother raise my little brothers for many years when I was a teenager and I miss all that. Why am I being hurt so deeply by God with this pain? What have I done?

I can't write anymore about this. I'm crying too hard to see straight as it is. It is so hard to be patient for God's timing in all this, but I will just keep continuing to try. It's all I know how to do.

"I'm the skeleton in your girlfriend's closet"

Pride was pretty great this year. It was wonderful to see all the vibrant colors and happy smiling faces of so many proud gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people along with their family and friends. I didn't really feel apart of things, but I didn't feel quite alone either.

We saw a few folks in the parade we knew and yelled and cheered extra loudly when they passed by. Abby even hopped on the public bus when it went by and said hello to a fellow co-worker. I think she felt proud to be able to do that for the first time and she even told me that she hopes to be driving the bus in the parade next year!

It was great to see three local affirming churches walking in the parade. Every one of those churches I have visited at one time or another. I waved my little rainbow flag extra hard when they went by and somehow felt a part of their congregation for just a minute. Then, after they had walked by, I felt a little more alone again as I remembered that I don't have one single practicing Christian friend in my life. Hopefully that will change this year. That is my prayer to God.

Thankfully, things have improved for Abby and me. I hit a little bump in the road, and broke her trust by breaking into her facebook page under her name, but I told her about it right away.

Yes...I truly do have issues with trust and jealousy but I'm really trying hard to combat those feelings and give her the space and trust she needs and deserves.

Since then, I have been able to feel much better. I am actively trying to put my fears and doubts aside and focus on what is factual and not what I am imagining that's going on. That alone has helped tremendously.

Now all I need to do is figure out how to get over my fears about getting out there and finding some other folks to hang out with. I'm so sick of being at home, cleaning the house or watching YouTube -- even if I love it. I want what others have. I want to feel close to other people beside Abby. I want to feel apart of society again.

I truly believe that's a major part of why I feel so anxious and afraid of what Abby might be doing with other people. Intellectually I know she would never cheat on me or be inappropriate with anyone but when you are alone at home and your wife is out with friends for many, many hours at a party, or something, you mind begins to doubt what is true and plant seeds of negativity and fear where there wasn't any before.

I am so scared to get out there and really try to make friends again. It's not that I am stupid or unfriendly. I can form close bonds with people and have friendships. it's just been such a long time since I've been successful at it that I have lost the confidence and know-how do it again.

Of course, Abby has been hurt like this in the past as well. She began to form a close friendship with a woman from her ball team a few years ago that just fell apart in front her face one day when the woman refused to go to lunch with her for fear of being seen by other people with a lesbian. I guess in her mind, being with a lesbian at lunch would mean she was one or that other people would know she was a lesbian. Abby was crushed. Devasted by the loss of this friendship and it hurt so badly to see her in such pain over that.

Even I recently thought I was forming a friendship with a lesbian who was from our city, but at the time of my correspondence with her she was out of country. Occassionally we would email back and forth or chat on MSN but then all of a sudden she just stopped talking to me right before she was due back in the city. I don't know what I did or said to upset her. But it hurt to lose what was becoming a possible friendship with another Christian lesbian who was going through the same struggles I was.

So how do I pick up the pieces and try again? How do I forget that pain and hurt and thrust myself out there again and see what may await me? Hopefully God will help guide me and Abby will continue to support me in this new venture I'm trying to make. I can't stop trying... I need more to have more supportive people than just Abby and my best friend L. Please God...help me find what I am looking for. Helpe me be bold and brave as I leave the sanctuary and comfort of my home to try again...!

Hell in a hand basket

I think my world just imploded yesterday. I don't think I have ever felt that many emotions at once. Abby and I almost broke up. It was my worst nightmare and all I could think about was how much I loved her still. It hurt more than you can ever imagine.

Finally though, she did say she wanted to give us another chance to try and work things out. I feel both relieved and angry about that. I want more than a chance. I want a promise! I've been wanting a promise of commitment from her for the past four or five months! Still though, I wait and why? Why do I hope and wait? Because I love her so.

Today was her first day at her new job since she graduated yesterday from their training program. We are on the brink of a new phase in our marriage. One of us actually has a career now. Something to rely on for...forever if she wants. So I truly hope we can get past this unimaginably difficult hurdle and move on.

A lot of my problem has to do with my jealousy issues. I have issues about her friends. I like some of her friends a lot, but I hate when she hangs out with them for hours and hours at a time. It drives me nuts. I guess I'm just starting to realize that I need to get out there more myself. I need to find friendships again.

I had a few close friends in junior high and high school but most of them faded away once school was done or when they found out I was homosexual. I have never been able to maintain close friendships for long, except with my best friend, L. She and I have known each other for over 25 years. I love her like a sister.

But... it is time. It's time I stop focusing on the negative doubts within my marriage concerning the friendships Abby has with her own friends from work, badminton and ball, and instead focus on what changes I need to make in my own personal life.

I'm scared. Terrified in fact. I have been rejected by potential friends recently and that has put a nasty sting in my conscious. I don't want to be hurt like that again. I know that if I join the Christian faith group I'm hoping to be a part of this fall, I will have to delay disclosing that I am married. Being bisexual amongst Christians can be difficult. I am judged a lot for who I am and who I married. I am un-Christian and un-acceptable to God just as I am. That is hard to constantly hear. It's hard to keep the faith.

As for my marriage. Okay...we'll give it one more shot. We'll try and reconcile our differences and learn to compromise but I also pray for strength from God if we don't make it. I hated those suicidal thoughts that ran through my head when Abby told me it was over last night. I hated the devil for feeling so gleeful that I would be joining him soon.

Feeling a little trepidation...

I'm not even sure how I feel about posting on here. Where do I start? At the beginning or where I am now, in the middle of the ocean? I guess I'll start at the beginning and give a little background...of course this is a assuming that someone will stumble upon my blog one day to peruse...how silly of me.

I did not grow up with Christianity in my home as many of my fellow GLBT bloggers out there did. My mom did grow up Anglican and that rubbed off on us in really simple ways, like we weren't allowed to say "Oh my God" or "darn it." She was very strict about that and for the longest time I thought that was so foolish. Now I know better and try to curb my own cursing because of my faith. I don't always succeed though, especially when I'm really ticked off. But it's a work in progress.

My mom's been married three times and I think this is where the uncertainity around men has taken place. I've never felt comfortable around men, as an adult. My biological father, Chris K. is not someone who gives me warm fuzzies. I have always called him by his full name. Never just Chris. I've talked to him a little bit over the years, but honestly I could do without him in my life and it wouldn't hurt me none.

Now presently my mother has been "married" (common-law) to a man that has four children. They've been together 12 years and still I don't get a long with him very well. When I call it's awkward and I feel like I'm that 16 year old kid again.

But my relationship with my mother is not much better. She likes to stick her nose into my business and gives her opinion more often than I have asked for it. I try not to talk to her about serious issues in my personal life anymore. Yes, I'll discuss school and work with her, but nothing about my marriage to Abby. That is off the table, she knows too much already.

I really got a good glimpse of my mother's wants recently when I told her that I thought I was bisexual and not gay. She then commented that she always thought I still liked guys. I was just pretending I didn't. Nice. Thanks for the support mom. Also, when Abby and I were going through a rough patch recently she really wanted me to leave her. I think part of my mom's dreams for me is to marry a man and have kids. Unfortunately that's something I've thought about, too.

So since then I don't discuss my marriage with her. I just find it too difficult to have her opinion and voice in my head all day long. The tension I feel, is immense and really doesn't help my relationship. Instead we talk to our counsellor and keep mom out of it.

I'm sure she feels the sting of that because she does ask, "How are things between you and Abby?" My reply is always, "We're doing just fine. She's been doing _____ lately and I'm going to going back to school in the fall." I divert the topic and pretend I don't really understand what she means when she says that. Mom doesn't bring it up again until the next time we talk.

I guess this post turned into more than just a little information about the beginning... Well, I guess that's okay. I'll figure it all out eventually.