"Every time my period is late, I convince myself that I'm the next Virgin Mary"

Recently I've started to visit the Post Secret website because I find it incredibly brave that folks would send it their biggest secrets to be posted on the web -- even if it is anonymous. I can imagine myself sending it my biggest secret and having the world read it knowing somehow that it was about me. That's a scary thought. That is a secret that only a handful of people know about, and I hope it stays that way forever.

Still though, this postcard entitled "Virgin Mary" hit home, because I thought I was the only one. I pray often for the children I see in my dreams and I do think about what it would be like to be blessed so greatly by God's love to carry the next virgin child.

My last period ended on July 20th. It has been almost seven weeks of hoping for some stupid miracle that was impossible. I know I sound ridiculous even as I type this, but on September 13, I had the most miniscule amount of spotting...and I started to cry. I became angry at nature's course and resented Abby even more for not being ready to have kids.

Last night I had two dreams about my kids. It hurts so much to hold them at night and wake up every morning knowing it may never be. I have waited for 8.5 years now... and I wonder if it'll even happen at all anymore.

We have so much to work out first, so much to get through but in the mean time my heart hurts so deeply that I just try my hardest to get through every day. That's all I can do right now is just keep trying.

Unfortunately, we just don't have a lot of male friends in our lives that we feel comfortable enough to go to and ask, "Hey do you mind donating some sperm?" The process of invetro is very expensive and lengthy without any guaranteed results of pregnancy, and fresh is best...! So what are we left with? Yeah, adoption... That is still highly difficult for same-sex couples in Canada. I guess the adoption agencies still have a problem with gay couples and they have a right to refuse service or something.

This is my biggest most painful wish to God everyday. I long for children. I enjoy them so much. I helped my mother raise my little brothers for many years when I was a teenager and I miss all that. Why am I being hurt so deeply by God with this pain? What have I done?

I can't write anymore about this. I'm crying too hard to see straight as it is. It is so hard to be patient for God's timing in all this, but I will just keep continuing to try. It's all I know how to do.

Hell in a hand basket

I think my world just imploded yesterday. I don't think I have ever felt that many emotions at once. Abby and I almost broke up. It was my worst nightmare and all I could think about was how much I loved her still. It hurt more than you can ever imagine.

Finally though, she did say she wanted to give us another chance to try and work things out. I feel both relieved and angry about that. I want more than a chance. I want a promise! I've been wanting a promise of commitment from her for the past four or five months! Still though, I wait and why? Why do I hope and wait? Because I love her so.

Today was her first day at her new job since she graduated yesterday from their training program. We are on the brink of a new phase in our marriage. One of us actually has a career now. Something to rely on for...forever if she wants. So I truly hope we can get past this unimaginably difficult hurdle and move on.

A lot of my problem has to do with my jealousy issues. I have issues about her friends. I like some of her friends a lot, but I hate when she hangs out with them for hours and hours at a time. It drives me nuts. I guess I'm just starting to realize that I need to get out there more myself. I need to find friendships again.

I had a few close friends in junior high and high school but most of them faded away once school was done or when they found out I was homosexual. I have never been able to maintain close friendships for long, except with my best friend, L. She and I have known each other for over 25 years. I love her like a sister.

But... it is time. It's time I stop focusing on the negative doubts within my marriage concerning the friendships Abby has with her own friends from work, badminton and ball, and instead focus on what changes I need to make in my own personal life.

I'm scared. Terrified in fact. I have been rejected by potential friends recently and that has put a nasty sting in my conscious. I don't want to be hurt like that again. I know that if I join the Christian faith group I'm hoping to be a part of this fall, I will have to delay disclosing that I am married. Being bisexual amongst Christians can be difficult. I am judged a lot for who I am and who I married. I am un-Christian and un-acceptable to God just as I am. That is hard to constantly hear. It's hard to keep the faith.

As for my marriage. Okay...we'll give it one more shot. We'll try and reconcile our differences and learn to compromise but I also pray for strength from God if we don't make it. I hated those suicidal thoughts that ran through my head when Abby told me it was over last night. I hated the devil for feeling so gleeful that I would be joining him soon.