Wake up in the morning & it's a quarter to four...

I haven't been able to sleep at all tonight. I tried but I just ugly cried instead. I wish I could sleep but lately I just seem to be sleeping in the wee hours of the morning the best. Nights are the worst and now with the new year practically here I have a feeling it'll just get harder to sleep again for awhile.

I was doing well for a little bit. The weight on my chest was easing and I was able to smile and laugh occassionally, but now the weight is back. The fear has returned. I don't think it's just the fear and "death" of losing Abby that's so weighty but it's also the death of all my future hopes and dreams that have been dashed in that one moment as well.

She will be able to go one and find love again. I think that's obvious from how much easier this is for her than me. I, on the other hand, won't be finding love again. I know it. I want to. I wish I could have the strength to, but... I just know that's not going to be in the cards for me. That realization more than anything else pains me to no end.

Maybe my mind will change in time with that idea, but I seriously doubt it. Everyone has told me to just give it time. I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I can give it time. And really do I want to be that vulnerable with another human being again?

I loved her so completely... She was my goddess and I know for me that was it. I would've stayed married to her forever. I wanted to work things out, but she just didn't anymore. Y'know how much that hurts me? To know someone wants to walk away from your marriage? I feel so...raped. Honestly I know that's a strong word, I do, but it's exactly how I feel. I feel raped.

I've had to re-examine everything again. All my thoughts for the future and everything I thought was true and solid seems to just turned to vapor before my eyes. I feel like it was all an illusion for nine years and she was just playing me. I wonder sometimes if she ever loved me at all. Those are terrible thoughts, because I know, I am certain that she once did. I just wonder how far back I'd have to really look to find out when she last really did love me.

Yes, she betrayed me by not honoring our vows, but I betrayed her. I was stupid and completely in the wrong, too. I couldn't trust her, no matter how damn hard I tried and I wanted to so badly. I wanted to just trust her and be okay with everything concerning her own individuality and friendships. Rhat was my biggest fault. My marital flaw.

Abby told me that it wasn't because of me that she left, but because of us. I don't know if I believe that or not, but even if that's true I still don't understand why she felt she had to leave instead of working things out.

The pain is so great, and still the thoughts of suicide run through my head almost every hour.

Just a few nights ago, I thought that , that night might be my last. The only thing that got me through was a tremendously genuine hug from my younger teen brother, Gus. I don't think he realizes what those hugs have meant and I don't want him too. He's still too young to fully comprehend this all and I'm actually glad for his innosence.

So, as I look forward I can only see the blank sand where I path should be. There used to be a solid path beneath my feet but eventually things began to give way as my relationship with Abby crumbled and the walkway became broken cobblestones. But at least it was still there. Now, it is no longer. I look far ahead, but only see endless sand. I can not go back for she who once loved no longer holds out her hand for me to grasp from behind. There will no longer be a solid path with her. These steps now, I must find on my own and I do not have solid footing alone. I can only hope that a new path will soon appear ahead somewhere. It may look different then what I have been used to and it might not be so straight, but hopefully it will just appear. I don't care how crooked it may be. Tentatively, I step forward and begin to take these unbalanced baby steps alone. I am like a newborn calf, who only vaguely remembers the warmth and comfort of being held once. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes, stepping forward with my right foot, I extend my toes as far I can reach. What will my toes touch this time, I wonder. What awaits before me?

When you feel dead but you're still alive

Abby left me. I have tried to kill myelf twice since she has told me it's over.

I don't know how to feel now. Especially with 2008 right around the corner. It's hard to breathe.

And I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I begged him to kill me and he didn't.

Some moments I miss her like crazy and other times I just miss the friendship we had. I don't know if we'll be able to stay friends. I don't know if she'll want to. I think she's scared of me. Scared of what I might do.

I'm scared of me sometimes, too.

I'm trying hard not to yell and get angry at her when we have talked on MSN but it's so hard when you're still in love with the person who's left. I wish I didn't love her that way anymore. It'd be so much easier then. I know she doesn't love me anymore and that hurts so badly.

Probably no one will ever reads this, so I don't even know why I am still posting.

Curiously Unusual

I almost didn't go to the Unity Church on Sunday. I had this pimple on my left cheek that was a little puffy and I wasn't feeling very attractive because of it. All I wanted to do was hide myself until my face was back to normal again. But with Abby's sleepy-still-in-bed encouragement to still go do this for myself, I allowed myself to overcome my shyness and just experience something new for a change.

So when I first walked in I had not one, not two, but three women greet me (or should I say trample me?) and stick a name tag to my chest. At first they thought my name was, "Bert" which I actually get a lot until I say it in French or spell it for them -- which I did. After I was escorted into the service room I realized how small the congregation was. I'd say there was about 35 chairs in there at most, and I just thought, "Oh boy, what did I get myself into?"

Although it shouldn't be that greatly important to note, I was happy to find out the chairs were especially plush and comfortable to sit in. Services can be long, and it's important for me, not to have sit on a hard wooden bench for an hour and half. I always hated that about church.

People smiled and nodded at me as they began to file into the service room and as we all sat there waiting for the things to start a husband and wife musical team were playing instruments and singing at the front of the room. It was nice to listen to their choices in music without being overpowered by the melodies.

An usher or greeter walked over to an older gentleman who had sat near the front, and asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee brought to him. I thought that was the kindest thing I had seen in awhile. After the woman left to fetch him his cup, the gentleman turned around and smiled at me, I just couldn't help but smile back.

After the service got started with a few songs and announcements, the minister came to the front for the sermon. She was a beautifully elegant black woman who had a bright engaging smile. She held her coffee mug in hand as she walked to the front and continued to carry it through most of her sermon. I found this to be a sign that she was relaxed and friendly with her congregation, instead of just filling the role of preacher.

Sunday's topic was on "Responsibility & Dependebility." To be responsible for fulfilling all of our duties as a human being in this world, and being dependable to others when someone has asked us to take on a task or chore that we have agreed to undertake. To do what we say we're going to do, when we say we're going to do it. She gave us several great analogies and examples of times when it is important to be responsible or dependable. Her jokes were humorous and enlightening and she continued to ask for feedback from her audience. I liked her a lot, and I am said to say, I will miss her already. Unfortunately, from what I read in the bulletin, she is going to be leaving the church soon.

But after the sermon, she lead us into a time for meditation. The musical duo returned to the front and accompanied the reverend's words with some soft easy flowing music for us. I found it difficult to get relaxed enough to sit still. Perhaps it's because I'm so stressed lately by some of the things going on in my own life and marriage, but I was really trying hard to quiet my mind. For one split second it worked, but then it was gone just as quickly as it had come. I knew right then that I had to come back to this church just to try the meditation portion again, if for no other reason.

When we all came to to the present, and opened our eyes in the dimly lit room, baskets were passed around for the tithing. I always feel guilty about how little I can tithe. But I put my money in the basket quickly and waited for the prayer for our contributions to prosper. We all rubbed our palms together quickly and held them out towards the tithe baskets, projecting positive energy for the money we had given.

We did this again for the prayer box that was passed around, and then we sang a closing song. Lastly, we all stood in circle, holding hands and said a final prayer closing with our hands in prayer close to our "centre" or hearts with a final namaste.

Afterwards, I nervously gathered my belongings together and looked at my watch. It was just five minutes before noon and I had scheduled my pick-up ride for that time. (I use a transportation service for the disabled and elderly on Sundays.) One of the congregation members came up to me after service and asked if I wanted to join everyone for coffee. Unfortunately because of my ride, I was unable to do so, but said that I would be back next week and hoped to join them at that time. She seemed pleased by that.

So yes, I will try another service with the Unity church. I'm not sure if this is the place for me, or not, but I'm willing to be open-minded enough to step out of my comfort zone and experience something new. I am still curious about it all and wonder what other differences this church may have concerning their services and interactions compared to most churches I have been to.

One great thing, that's important to note, they are open-minded about the GLBT community. Since visiting the Pentecostal church months ago, where I first heard a negative sermon on homosexuality, I knew I could not be a part of a church that did not welcome all of me. I loved that Pentecostal church! I know if I was straight I would've worshipped there happily, but I believe that God has created me just as I am, with my eyes wide open to all discrimination as a GLBT Christian.

I will continue to let you all -- the few who read this -- know how my church experience continues to go. Keep me in your prayers for strength and courage to go back, would ya? I think I'm gonna need it!

http://www.unitycanada.org/