Wake up in the morning & it's a quarter to four...

I haven't been able to sleep at all tonight. I tried but I just ugly cried instead. I wish I could sleep but lately I just seem to be sleeping in the wee hours of the morning the best. Nights are the worst and now with the new year practically here I have a feeling it'll just get harder to sleep again for awhile.

I was doing well for a little bit. The weight on my chest was easing and I was able to smile and laugh occassionally, but now the weight is back. The fear has returned. I don't think it's just the fear and "death" of losing Abby that's so weighty but it's also the death of all my future hopes and dreams that have been dashed in that one moment as well.

She will be able to go one and find love again. I think that's obvious from how much easier this is for her than me. I, on the other hand, won't be finding love again. I know it. I want to. I wish I could have the strength to, but... I just know that's not going to be in the cards for me. That realization more than anything else pains me to no end.

Maybe my mind will change in time with that idea, but I seriously doubt it. Everyone has told me to just give it time. I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I can give it time. And really do I want to be that vulnerable with another human being again?

I loved her so completely... She was my goddess and I know for me that was it. I would've stayed married to her forever. I wanted to work things out, but she just didn't anymore. Y'know how much that hurts me? To know someone wants to walk away from your marriage? I feel so...raped. Honestly I know that's a strong word, I do, but it's exactly how I feel. I feel raped.

I've had to re-examine everything again. All my thoughts for the future and everything I thought was true and solid seems to just turned to vapor before my eyes. I feel like it was all an illusion for nine years and she was just playing me. I wonder sometimes if she ever loved me at all. Those are terrible thoughts, because I know, I am certain that she once did. I just wonder how far back I'd have to really look to find out when she last really did love me.

Yes, she betrayed me by not honoring our vows, but I betrayed her. I was stupid and completely in the wrong, too. I couldn't trust her, no matter how damn hard I tried and I wanted to so badly. I wanted to just trust her and be okay with everything concerning her own individuality and friendships. Rhat was my biggest fault. My marital flaw.

Abby told me that it wasn't because of me that she left, but because of us. I don't know if I believe that or not, but even if that's true I still don't understand why she felt she had to leave instead of working things out.

The pain is so great, and still the thoughts of suicide run through my head almost every hour.

Just a few nights ago, I thought that , that night might be my last. The only thing that got me through was a tremendously genuine hug from my younger teen brother, Gus. I don't think he realizes what those hugs have meant and I don't want him too. He's still too young to fully comprehend this all and I'm actually glad for his innosence.

So, as I look forward I can only see the blank sand where I path should be. There used to be a solid path beneath my feet but eventually things began to give way as my relationship with Abby crumbled and the walkway became broken cobblestones. But at least it was still there. Now, it is no longer. I look far ahead, but only see endless sand. I can not go back for she who once loved no longer holds out her hand for me to grasp from behind. There will no longer be a solid path with her. These steps now, I must find on my own and I do not have solid footing alone. I can only hope that a new path will soon appear ahead somewhere. It may look different then what I have been used to and it might not be so straight, but hopefully it will just appear. I don't care how crooked it may be. Tentatively, I step forward and begin to take these unbalanced baby steps alone. I am like a newborn calf, who only vaguely remembers the warmth and comfort of being held once. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes, stepping forward with my right foot, I extend my toes as far I can reach. What will my toes touch this time, I wonder. What awaits before me?

When you feel dead but you're still alive

Abby left me. I have tried to kill myelf twice since she has told me it's over.

I don't know how to feel now. Especially with 2008 right around the corner. It's hard to breathe.

And I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I begged him to kill me and he didn't.

Some moments I miss her like crazy and other times I just miss the friendship we had. I don't know if we'll be able to stay friends. I don't know if she'll want to. I think she's scared of me. Scared of what I might do.

I'm scared of me sometimes, too.

I'm trying hard not to yell and get angry at her when we have talked on MSN but it's so hard when you're still in love with the person who's left. I wish I didn't love her that way anymore. It'd be so much easier then. I know she doesn't love me anymore and that hurts so badly.

Probably no one will ever reads this, so I don't even know why I am still posting.

100 Things About Me

So, I've seen this type of post at other blogsites and love reading through all the little tidbits people share about themselves, but then I started to think, could I really say 100 things about myself? I think it's a lot harder than you might think! Hope you enjoy this fluff posting and know I'll try and post something you can sink your teeth into next time.

1. I'm only 4'11'' tall.

2. I have Cerebral Palsy and a hearing impairment.

3. I am learning American Sign Language and feel like it's my "natural" language.

4. I'm very shy but enjoy long intimate talks with friends.

5. I have two furry children, but can't wait to be a mummy to human children.

6. I have a very long memory.

7. I pretend not to hear my wife when she has upset me, but this backfires because sometimes I actually can't hear her.

8. I have tried to keep a journal going since I was 14, but have always been unsuccessful.

9. I love to sing, but I sing poorly.

10. I snort when I laugh really hard and that just makes me laugh harder.

11. I almost always have cold feet when I go to bed.

12. I believe in true love.

13. I kissed a girl before I ever kissed a boy.

14. I hate the snow in winter, and I live in a place that gets snow every year. (I think about moving every January.)

15. I'm 29 years old and still afraid of large groups of teenagers.

16. When I was a kid, my best friend was my yellow lab, Taffy . I still think of her all the time.

17. I hate the holidays because that means I have to visit my family.

18. My favorite color is red-orange.

19. Everyday for the past six months, I've pictured Abby turning to me and telling me she loves me and wants to recommitt to us.

20. I used to own two houses but have sold them in the past two years.

21. I legally changed my name just after my 20th birthday.

22. I moved out of my mum's house two weeks before that.

23. I taught my youngest step-brother how to spell and write his name when he was three years old. (He is now almost 15.)

24. I received the Mathematics, Childcare, and Principal's awards when I graduated High School, but was told by my homeroom teacher than I could never go to college. It took me 10 years to get up the courage to take night classes.

25. I have midnight blue eyes, but everyone thinks they're brown when they first look at them.

26. When I was 14 I was baptized for the wrong reasons.

27. I have been mentally, physcially, sexually and emotional abused during my childhood.

28. I own a car, but I don't drive. I'm so afraid to learn.

29. I have had over a dozen operations in my life. I can't remember exactly how man anymore since they all just kind of blend together.

30. I have a screw in my leg big toe as a result of one of my surgeries from my middle school years.

31. I developed arthritis in my left foot when I worked as a cashier for three years.

32. I know that I could easily become housebound because I believe I am agoraphobic.

33. I am afraid of thunder and lightning storms.

34. I hate bras, and never like wearing one when I'm home.

35. I am pessimistic.

36. I took piano lessons in my younger years, and loved it. I want to take it up again soon.

37. I love aquafitness classes.

38. I truly believe in the Weight Watchers program, but I find it hard to believe I can do it just as well as anyone else.

39. I have slept with the same type of foam pillow for the past 15 years. (I replaced it once with a newly bought one.)

40. I took competitive swimming classes in high school and could have gone to the Paralympics if I'd just stuck with it.

41. Currently, my favorite T.V. show is Big Love with a close runner up for Dexter.

42. I was once a witch and practised witchcraft in my late youth.

43. I hate putting away clean clothes.

44. I must use closed captioning on the T.V., and hated having a mom that talked through every single movie when I was growing up. (I always missed have the movie because of it.)

45. I was carded two years ago when I tried to buy a lottery ticket from the pharmacy for Abby's birthday.

47. I have never been drunk or smoked pot.

48. I tried smoking cigarettes when I was a teen but thought it was stupid.

49. I have always wanted to live in a southern state.

50. I have never broken a bone, but have factured my big toe.

51. I finally learned to ride a bicycle when I was 18.

52. I am terrified of the dentist and have always had to go under for minor procedures.

53. My favorite kitchen implements is our crockpot. I would really love to find more great recipes!

54. I have an unnatural fascination with popping zits on other people. I know...gross. :P

55. My favorite potato chips are the Ruffles All Dressed.

56. I love watching the lights twinkle on Christmas trees.

57. I prefer soup over salad any day of the week.

58. I cried when President George W. Bush was re-elected.

59. I believe that the rumors about the North American Union are true.

60. People might think I'm a little crazy but I also believe, on day we really will have a pulse, and there will be mass chaos in our world.

61. When I was a kid, my favorite book was The Girl Who Owned a City by O.T. Nelson.

62. I think my favorite book now is The Mists of Avalon, but I haven't read Roots yet.

63. Currently, my favorite song is Dear Mr President by Pink.

64. My favorite band is Casting Crowns.

65. I lost a High School friend in when I told her I was gay. She refused to talk to me after that.

66. I love tubing in winter!

67. I find it sad that we don't really know our neighbors anymore like we use to.

68. When I was about 10 yrs old my mum told our neighbors I was going in for surgery the week of Hallowe'en, so I got to go trick or treating the week before with my friends and classmates.

69. I hate crowded buses, they make me feel claustrophobic, and I'm so afraid to get thrown forward when I have to stand up, but I'm too shy to ask for a seat, even though I am physically disabled.

70. During fourth grade, I wore a dress every Friday in hopes it would bring me good luck for the weekly spelling test.

71. Two months before we got married, our A/C broke, we spent the money we would've bought our rings with on a new air conditioner since we had renters. My sterling silver ring cost $15 and I hope one day, to buy the titanium silver rings we originally wanted.

72. I have always wanted to learn how to skate.

73. I pray for those who may be hurt whenever I see an ambulance go by when their lights are flashing.

74. I have moved six times in eight years and now I hate moving. We are still not all unpacked and have lived in this house since May.

75. I love to color when I'm watching T.V.

76. My favorite PC game is Roller Coaster Tycoon 3.

77. I love getting Christmas cards in the mail.

78. I have always wanted to buy my own little wooden nativity scene -- even before I came to know Christ.

79. I am really addicted to playing Brain Age 2.

80. I have one can of Coca-cola every day.

81. My favorite movie of all time will forever be The Color Purple though I do love Corrina, Corrina and Steel Magnolias, too.

82. I have parts of Color Purple memorized, and the movie makes me cry every single time.

83. If I had the chance to know how and when I was going to die, I would want to find out.

84. I made a promise to God that I would go to hell in Abby's place if she could go to heaven in mine.

85. I pick at my fingers nails when I'm nervous.

86. I believe dragons once existed .

87. I love kneeding bread.

88. I do my best thinking in a hot bath.

89. I have never been into fashion and think it's absolutely ridiculous that people care that much about what they wear.

90. I don't wear makeup and haven't since I was a young teenager.

91. I once threatened someone's life.

92. My best friend and I have only fought once in 25 years.

93. When I was 13, mum took my grandma and me on a road trip across Canada, I had to pee really badly that pulled off the road and found a secluded spot in the middle of a forest area for me. Just when I was squatting behind a tree, a construction worker started up his bobcat and drove right past me. I died with embarrassment!

94. I admire the Amish and wish I had the courage to live that way.

95. My biggest secret is something I only talk about with Abby.

96. I can still see images in big fluffy clouds like when I was a kid.

97. My first love was my now ex-step-brother, Kris.

98. If I could go back in time and change one moment in time, I know what moment I'd change.

99. My favorite number is 18.

100. My biggest fear is Abby will leave me and we will never have the family we dreamed of.

Curiously Unusual

I almost didn't go to the Unity Church on Sunday. I had this pimple on my left cheek that was a little puffy and I wasn't feeling very attractive because of it. All I wanted to do was hide myself until my face was back to normal again. But with Abby's sleepy-still-in-bed encouragement to still go do this for myself, I allowed myself to overcome my shyness and just experience something new for a change.

So when I first walked in I had not one, not two, but three women greet me (or should I say trample me?) and stick a name tag to my chest. At first they thought my name was, "Bert" which I actually get a lot until I say it in French or spell it for them -- which I did. After I was escorted into the service room I realized how small the congregation was. I'd say there was about 35 chairs in there at most, and I just thought, "Oh boy, what did I get myself into?"

Although it shouldn't be that greatly important to note, I was happy to find out the chairs were especially plush and comfortable to sit in. Services can be long, and it's important for me, not to have sit on a hard wooden bench for an hour and half. I always hated that about church.

People smiled and nodded at me as they began to file into the service room and as we all sat there waiting for the things to start a husband and wife musical team were playing instruments and singing at the front of the room. It was nice to listen to their choices in music without being overpowered by the melodies.

An usher or greeter walked over to an older gentleman who had sat near the front, and asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee brought to him. I thought that was the kindest thing I had seen in awhile. After the woman left to fetch him his cup, the gentleman turned around and smiled at me, I just couldn't help but smile back.

After the service got started with a few songs and announcements, the minister came to the front for the sermon. She was a beautifully elegant black woman who had a bright engaging smile. She held her coffee mug in hand as she walked to the front and continued to carry it through most of her sermon. I found this to be a sign that she was relaxed and friendly with her congregation, instead of just filling the role of preacher.

Sunday's topic was on "Responsibility & Dependebility." To be responsible for fulfilling all of our duties as a human being in this world, and being dependable to others when someone has asked us to take on a task or chore that we have agreed to undertake. To do what we say we're going to do, when we say we're going to do it. She gave us several great analogies and examples of times when it is important to be responsible or dependable. Her jokes were humorous and enlightening and she continued to ask for feedback from her audience. I liked her a lot, and I am said to say, I will miss her already. Unfortunately, from what I read in the bulletin, she is going to be leaving the church soon.

But after the sermon, she lead us into a time for meditation. The musical duo returned to the front and accompanied the reverend's words with some soft easy flowing music for us. I found it difficult to get relaxed enough to sit still. Perhaps it's because I'm so stressed lately by some of the things going on in my own life and marriage, but I was really trying hard to quiet my mind. For one split second it worked, but then it was gone just as quickly as it had come. I knew right then that I had to come back to this church just to try the meditation portion again, if for no other reason.

When we all came to to the present, and opened our eyes in the dimly lit room, baskets were passed around for the tithing. I always feel guilty about how little I can tithe. But I put my money in the basket quickly and waited for the prayer for our contributions to prosper. We all rubbed our palms together quickly and held them out towards the tithe baskets, projecting positive energy for the money we had given.

We did this again for the prayer box that was passed around, and then we sang a closing song. Lastly, we all stood in circle, holding hands and said a final prayer closing with our hands in prayer close to our "centre" or hearts with a final namaste.

Afterwards, I nervously gathered my belongings together and looked at my watch. It was just five minutes before noon and I had scheduled my pick-up ride for that time. (I use a transportation service for the disabled and elderly on Sundays.) One of the congregation members came up to me after service and asked if I wanted to join everyone for coffee. Unfortunately because of my ride, I was unable to do so, but said that I would be back next week and hoped to join them at that time. She seemed pleased by that.

So yes, I will try another service with the Unity church. I'm not sure if this is the place for me, or not, but I'm willing to be open-minded enough to step out of my comfort zone and experience something new. I am still curious about it all and wonder what other differences this church may have concerning their services and interactions compared to most churches I have been to.

One great thing, that's important to note, they are open-minded about the GLBT community. Since visiting the Pentecostal church months ago, where I first heard a negative sermon on homosexuality, I knew I could not be a part of a church that did not welcome all of me. I loved that Pentecostal church! I know if I was straight I would've worshipped there happily, but I believe that God has created me just as I am, with my eyes wide open to all discrimination as a GLBT Christian.

I will continue to let you all -- the few who read this -- know how my church experience continues to go. Keep me in your prayers for strength and courage to go back, would ya? I think I'm gonna need it!

http://www.unitycanada.org/

Been busy...but decided to update a little

Life sure has been busy lately. I don't think I've really had time to think much lately about anything let alone sit down and blog about it. But as a result a lot of really great things I could've blogged about will forever go unblogged. Oh well...I guess that happens occassionally, right?

So, I did it. I went in for my four hour psychology evaluation on Thursday. Yep... I'm officially going to find out if I have some of the things I've always thought I had, like depression and social anxiety issues. I was so drained by the end of the morning with all the doctors. They even wanted to speak to Abby privately for a half hour, and I can only imagine what she said to the social worker. I won't find out what they're reccomendations are until November, but in the meantime, I have started on a low dose of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. Just by knowledge alone, I think I know what they'll be saying at my next meeting with them.

On a lighter note, we just had our Thanksgiving weekend recently and that seemed to go pretty well. I was a little more quiet than usual but I think that was only because my mum invited neighbors over to our family dinner, and I did not expect that. I wasn't aware strangers were coming to the meal.

It was weird seeing my older brother, Sean and his girls. I barely spoke to him. He doesn't really speak to me either, though. I rarely get calls from him on my birthday or Christmas. I have tried to reach out to him, and visited him and the girls in the little town where they live, but nothing really comes from those visits or that interaction, so now I've just kinda stopped care about it. I know that sounds bad of me, but if he doesn't want a relationship with me, I can't really force it on him.

As for church...well I'm going to try a new-to-me unity church and see what that's like. Apparently they are a little more laid back about beliefs and homosexuality. Maybe it'll be the right match for me. If not, I think I'll just start attending the unitarian church in town. I just need to get out and socialize somewhere. I feel so isolated these days. Especially now that Abby is going out with her friends more and more lately. I can only take the quietness of our house for so long before I go insane.

I feel so stupid saying that...I'm just a really quiet person in general. Honestly I think I've just forgotten what it's like to socialize with people. How do you forget something like that? I don't enjoy social situations at all, but part of me is beginning to crave that interaction and I know it's good for me to hang out with other folks and experience something new. But boy...I'm very nervous.

"Every time my period is late, I convince myself that I'm the next Virgin Mary"

Recently I've started to visit the Post Secret website because I find it incredibly brave that folks would send it their biggest secrets to be posted on the web -- even if it is anonymous. I can imagine myself sending it my biggest secret and having the world read it knowing somehow that it was about me. That's a scary thought. That is a secret that only a handful of people know about, and I hope it stays that way forever.

Still though, this postcard entitled "Virgin Mary" hit home, because I thought I was the only one. I pray often for the children I see in my dreams and I do think about what it would be like to be blessed so greatly by God's love to carry the next virgin child.

My last period ended on July 20th. It has been almost seven weeks of hoping for some stupid miracle that was impossible. I know I sound ridiculous even as I type this, but on September 13, I had the most miniscule amount of spotting...and I started to cry. I became angry at nature's course and resented Abby even more for not being ready to have kids.

Last night I had two dreams about my kids. It hurts so much to hold them at night and wake up every morning knowing it may never be. I have waited for 8.5 years now... and I wonder if it'll even happen at all anymore.

We have so much to work out first, so much to get through but in the mean time my heart hurts so deeply that I just try my hardest to get through every day. That's all I can do right now is just keep trying.

Unfortunately, we just don't have a lot of male friends in our lives that we feel comfortable enough to go to and ask, "Hey do you mind donating some sperm?" The process of invetro is very expensive and lengthy without any guaranteed results of pregnancy, and fresh is best...! So what are we left with? Yeah, adoption... That is still highly difficult for same-sex couples in Canada. I guess the adoption agencies still have a problem with gay couples and they have a right to refuse service or something.

This is my biggest most painful wish to God everyday. I long for children. I enjoy them so much. I helped my mother raise my little brothers for many years when I was a teenager and I miss all that. Why am I being hurt so deeply by God with this pain? What have I done?

I can't write anymore about this. I'm crying too hard to see straight as it is. It is so hard to be patient for God's timing in all this, but I will just keep continuing to try. It's all I know how to do.

"I'm the skeleton in your girlfriend's closet"

Pride was pretty great this year. It was wonderful to see all the vibrant colors and happy smiling faces of so many proud gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people along with their family and friends. I didn't really feel apart of things, but I didn't feel quite alone either.

We saw a few folks in the parade we knew and yelled and cheered extra loudly when they passed by. Abby even hopped on the public bus when it went by and said hello to a fellow co-worker. I think she felt proud to be able to do that for the first time and she even told me that she hopes to be driving the bus in the parade next year!

It was great to see three local affirming churches walking in the parade. Every one of those churches I have visited at one time or another. I waved my little rainbow flag extra hard when they went by and somehow felt a part of their congregation for just a minute. Then, after they had walked by, I felt a little more alone again as I remembered that I don't have one single practicing Christian friend in my life. Hopefully that will change this year. That is my prayer to God.

Thankfully, things have improved for Abby and me. I hit a little bump in the road, and broke her trust by breaking into her facebook page under her name, but I told her about it right away.

Yes...I truly do have issues with trust and jealousy but I'm really trying hard to combat those feelings and give her the space and trust she needs and deserves.

Since then, I have been able to feel much better. I am actively trying to put my fears and doubts aside and focus on what is factual and not what I am imagining that's going on. That alone has helped tremendously.

Now all I need to do is figure out how to get over my fears about getting out there and finding some other folks to hang out with. I'm so sick of being at home, cleaning the house or watching YouTube -- even if I love it. I want what others have. I want to feel close to other people beside Abby. I want to feel apart of society again.

I truly believe that's a major part of why I feel so anxious and afraid of what Abby might be doing with other people. Intellectually I know she would never cheat on me or be inappropriate with anyone but when you are alone at home and your wife is out with friends for many, many hours at a party, or something, you mind begins to doubt what is true and plant seeds of negativity and fear where there wasn't any before.

I am so scared to get out there and really try to make friends again. It's not that I am stupid or unfriendly. I can form close bonds with people and have friendships. it's just been such a long time since I've been successful at it that I have lost the confidence and know-how do it again.

Of course, Abby has been hurt like this in the past as well. She began to form a close friendship with a woman from her ball team a few years ago that just fell apart in front her face one day when the woman refused to go to lunch with her for fear of being seen by other people with a lesbian. I guess in her mind, being with a lesbian at lunch would mean she was one or that other people would know she was a lesbian. Abby was crushed. Devasted by the loss of this friendship and it hurt so badly to see her in such pain over that.

Even I recently thought I was forming a friendship with a lesbian who was from our city, but at the time of my correspondence with her she was out of country. Occassionally we would email back and forth or chat on MSN but then all of a sudden she just stopped talking to me right before she was due back in the city. I don't know what I did or said to upset her. But it hurt to lose what was becoming a possible friendship with another Christian lesbian who was going through the same struggles I was.

So how do I pick up the pieces and try again? How do I forget that pain and hurt and thrust myself out there again and see what may await me? Hopefully God will help guide me and Abby will continue to support me in this new venture I'm trying to make. I can't stop trying... I need more to have more supportive people than just Abby and my best friend L. Please God...help me find what I am looking for. Helpe me be bold and brave as I leave the sanctuary and comfort of my home to try again...!