Hell in a hand basket

I think my world just imploded yesterday. I don't think I have ever felt that many emotions at once. Abby and I almost broke up. It was my worst nightmare and all I could think about was how much I loved her still. It hurt more than you can ever imagine.

Finally though, she did say she wanted to give us another chance to try and work things out. I feel both relieved and angry about that. I want more than a chance. I want a promise! I've been wanting a promise of commitment from her for the past four or five months! Still though, I wait and why? Why do I hope and wait? Because I love her so.

Today was her first day at her new job since she graduated yesterday from their training program. We are on the brink of a new phase in our marriage. One of us actually has a career now. Something to rely on for...forever if she wants. So I truly hope we can get past this unimaginably difficult hurdle and move on.

A lot of my problem has to do with my jealousy issues. I have issues about her friends. I like some of her friends a lot, but I hate when she hangs out with them for hours and hours at a time. It drives me nuts. I guess I'm just starting to realize that I need to get out there more myself. I need to find friendships again.

I had a few close friends in junior high and high school but most of them faded away once school was done or when they found out I was homosexual. I have never been able to maintain close friendships for long, except with my best friend, L. She and I have known each other for over 25 years. I love her like a sister.

But... it is time. It's time I stop focusing on the negative doubts within my marriage concerning the friendships Abby has with her own friends from work, badminton and ball, and instead focus on what changes I need to make in my own personal life.

I'm scared. Terrified in fact. I have been rejected by potential friends recently and that has put a nasty sting in my conscious. I don't want to be hurt like that again. I know that if I join the Christian faith group I'm hoping to be a part of this fall, I will have to delay disclosing that I am married. Being bisexual amongst Christians can be difficult. I am judged a lot for who I am and who I married. I am un-Christian and un-acceptable to God just as I am. That is hard to constantly hear. It's hard to keep the faith.

As for my marriage. Okay...we'll give it one more shot. We'll try and reconcile our differences and learn to compromise but I also pray for strength from God if we don't make it. I hated those suicidal thoughts that ran through my head when Abby told me it was over last night. I hated the devil for feeling so gleeful that I would be joining him soon.

Feeling a little trepidation...

I'm not even sure how I feel about posting on here. Where do I start? At the beginning or where I am now, in the middle of the ocean? I guess I'll start at the beginning and give a little background...of course this is a assuming that someone will stumble upon my blog one day to peruse...how silly of me.

I did not grow up with Christianity in my home as many of my fellow GLBT bloggers out there did. My mom did grow up Anglican and that rubbed off on us in really simple ways, like we weren't allowed to say "Oh my God" or "darn it." She was very strict about that and for the longest time I thought that was so foolish. Now I know better and try to curb my own cursing because of my faith. I don't always succeed though, especially when I'm really ticked off. But it's a work in progress.

My mom's been married three times and I think this is where the uncertainity around men has taken place. I've never felt comfortable around men, as an adult. My biological father, Chris K. is not someone who gives me warm fuzzies. I have always called him by his full name. Never just Chris. I've talked to him a little bit over the years, but honestly I could do without him in my life and it wouldn't hurt me none.

Now presently my mother has been "married" (common-law) to a man that has four children. They've been together 12 years and still I don't get a long with him very well. When I call it's awkward and I feel like I'm that 16 year old kid again.

But my relationship with my mother is not much better. She likes to stick her nose into my business and gives her opinion more often than I have asked for it. I try not to talk to her about serious issues in my personal life anymore. Yes, I'll discuss school and work with her, but nothing about my marriage to Abby. That is off the table, she knows too much already.

I really got a good glimpse of my mother's wants recently when I told her that I thought I was bisexual and not gay. She then commented that she always thought I still liked guys. I was just pretending I didn't. Nice. Thanks for the support mom. Also, when Abby and I were going through a rough patch recently she really wanted me to leave her. I think part of my mom's dreams for me is to marry a man and have kids. Unfortunately that's something I've thought about, too.

So since then I don't discuss my marriage with her. I just find it too difficult to have her opinion and voice in my head all day long. The tension I feel, is immense and really doesn't help my relationship. Instead we talk to our counsellor and keep mom out of it.

I'm sure she feels the sting of that because she does ask, "How are things between you and Abby?" My reply is always, "We're doing just fine. She's been doing _____ lately and I'm going to going back to school in the fall." I divert the topic and pretend I don't really understand what she means when she says that. Mom doesn't bring it up again until the next time we talk.

I guess this post turned into more than just a little information about the beginning... Well, I guess that's okay. I'll figure it all out eventually.